Alan Hardy’s Blog

Parenthood seems to involve two things, among others. One is leadership and nurturance: sharing wisdom, giving direction, setting boundaries, providing advice etc. The other is facilitating discovery and providing opportunity for freedom so that a child can benefit from real experience. Each of these is important and so is the way they are applied. It depends on the readiness of the child and whether the experience is helpful etc.

When either of these is applied in a distorted way then there are problems. An overly strict style of parenting, where forms and standards are enforced without freedom, can lead to rebellion or a stifled child who may be square or just an imitator of their parents, without their own convictions or sense of ownership or real understanding borne from experience.

On the other hand, when there is freedom without leadership then the child is left to work the world out by themselves without helpful guidance and protection. They can end up being exploited by others, stunted, deceived and damaged.

These two applications of parenthood mirror two key challenges that the child will encounter in adult life. That is, every adult has daily encounters which require them to act responsibly in a framework of freedom and restraint. Accordingly, when the duties of parenthood are applied in a balanced way, then it is good preparation for the freedom and restraint that the child will experience in adult life. An adult needs to live in a way in which they continue to receive wisdom, advice and instruction and to live within boundaries set for them. The child moves from having freedom made available to them by parents to having it made available to them by others. When they grow up they need to discern for themselves where the boundaries are and how to act within that freedom. Wise parents will prepare them for this.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Eph 6:4

There must be countless Christian books about raising children. They usually spruik a set of Biblically based principles about how to do it. A few of them might have good advice.

The passage quoted above seems to take a different angle. It starts by describing blokes who are leaning into the wind in their fatherhood, and who then take out the frustration they feel for being an inadequate parent on their children.

So what alternative does the passage give us? The way the second half of the verse is usually read is as an encouragement to take the Bible to our kids and to train them in the way the Scriptures tell us to. Although this must be a good direction to be heading, when I looked at Eph 6:4 today it was plumbing deeper riches.

The vast theme of God’s fatherhood in Scripture expresses to us His passionate participation in the lives of those he loves. It is thus worthy to consider this passage as an encouragement to recognise our adoption into God’s family, in which He is working in fatherly discipline and encouragement to bring us through until the final day. All He has called in covenant fall under this mantle, and this necessarily includes our children.

We are thus to acknowledge God’s willingness to be a present blessing to our families and a right response is that we bring our children to Him so that they may come under and appreciate His training and instruction. In this sense the latter half of the passage could be worded “bring them up in the Lord’s training and instruction”.

On reflection, this reality came home to me a number of years ago when a health crisis made visible the possibility that I may not be around to father our five young children. It’s where the rubber hits the road, you might say. God’s assurance to me and my family: “I will not leave you as orphans” (John 14:18); “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb 13:5)

Recommended Reading: Christian Parents and Their Children

People are creatures of culture. When a group’s actions make them distinctive from others we can refer to them as having a separate culture. Among Christians we could identify a number of religious cultures, and these can be seen in the way we go about things differently.

One of the weapons we have stumbled across as believers is how the Scriptures can be used to justify what we do, particularly in comparison to others. We enter a place where God becomes a tribal God, favouring us because of our doctrine, our way of doing things and how we’re not like ‘those people out there’.

Let me give you an example. We spent 15 years in a Christian movement (oh no, you’ll guess it) and found that this attitude was alive and well. There are a number of distinctive aspects of this movement which are described by its members with Biblical terminology. Terms like worship, headship, the presence of God, singing in the Spirit, baptism in the Spirit, speaking in tongues, prophecy, faith and, not to mention (cringe), teaching were all drawn from Scripture and applied either wrongly or with insufficient evidence that the practice so-labeled was in fact what the Bible is talking about.

The effect was that these elements of the culture were given divine sanction, and it was all too present in the thinking of people in the movement that those who did not have or do these things were a notch or two below the bar.

These people aren’t alone. We all need to examine ourselves for this attitude, which could be described as self-justification. Jesus told the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves” (Luke 16:15). We should be looking to nothing other than the justification that Christ gives and to have our confidence among men stand on this alone. We all want to be authentic but let’s remember that the root of the word is author – our assurance is in the author of life.

Postscript: We had similar experiences in another movement which are detailed here: Moving On: The New Teaching on Family.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.” - Eph 3:14-15

This passage reminds us of the existence of God’s family and presents it as a leading thought before Paul declares his amazing prayer, asking that God would lavish love, faith, confidence, fulness, understanding, power, strength and foundation on the Ephesian christians.

It appeals to me that these are the same qualities that should be fostered in a human family. It also makes sense, given that we are made in the image of God, true humanness involves doing such things. We are made to do them because our Father does them, albeit in smaller measure. The human family is to be a place where these same acts of service are performed, as a vessel for God’s work to be poured out.